close your eyes, just settle settle.

i guess the easiest way to do this is via blog... but, i just had an epiphany. and here it is: ever since the beginning of the year i haven't tried to get close to any boys. not a single one. and i've had the basic outlook that they're all scumbags, which according to any girl i talk to, isn't too far off. but after that whole thing, i don't trust anyone, and i don't want any guys to really touch me. (especially the ones who DO want to) i don't want to ever let anybody get that comfortable with me and i don't want to ever get taken advantage of the way i was. for anybody who is confused as to what i'm talking about, just ask...i'd rather not touch on THAT too much. anyway, i guess this is me explaining why i am the way i am. and for those of you who say, "well veronica, you were like this before this year ya know!" i say, well i gave a more free lifestyle a chance, and it was awful and i was uncomfortable, and i felt on display, and i wanted to throw-up, and i never want to feel that way again. and for those of you who are thinking "well that just happened to you, and it was bad luck" well, i wanna just say that i don't care. i'll never put myself in that position again.

what i've been hoping all year is that when i graduate, i'll never have to speak to certain people ever again, and i'll meet a gentleman, and we'll fall in love, and he'll respect me and every single one of my fears, and precautions, and he won't care when i'm not the ideal girl or the party girl or even the average girl (which most would say is a bad thing but from what i've found, it's entirely rational to say is what's expected). and if that doesn't happen i won't feel like a prude for not giving in because i know that if i don't get that then i am and average girl and i do want the same thing as everyone else. which is kind of stupid to say is my reasoning...because it isn't. i'll be fine if i don't settle, because if i settle i'll feel even worse.

i'm just going on and on aren't i? sorry... anyway, i hope some of this makes sense...(?) if not, i guess my mind can be one big discombobulation of junk.